The Necessity of Heartbreak

Every now and then, I will meet someone who ended up marrying their first love. That is all well and good, but it makes me feel two different things: jealousy and pity. I feel jealous, because heartbreak is so unbelievably painful. If I knew that I would never experience another broken heart, or even heartache for that matter, I would be SO happy! What an amazing thing it would be to never have to go through the wretchedness of a broken heart again.

However, at the same time, I feel a little sorry for those people. If dealt with properly, much good can come from the heartbreak. I have had my heart broken several times, and the biggest one of all led to an enormous amount of thought, reflection and introspection regarding my experience and thoughts on love, as well as what I want in a relationship, a girlfriend, etc. The wisdom and clarity that I came out with was absolutely worth it. Of course, I never would have thought that at the time, but in retrospect, there is no way I could deny it.

When I was in college, I was in an RA meeting, and I remember an exercise our boss had us do. He asked everyone: “who here has gone through something tragic in their lives?” A fair amount of people raised their hand. He then said, “okay, now keep your hand up if you think you learned from the experience, and came out a better person because of it.” All of the hands stayed up.

At the time I scoffed, thinking, “Yeah right. These people just say they learned something and are better because of it, because they don’t want to admit that their tragedy was for nothing. They want to think there is some sort of silver lining.” I was very, very wrong about that.

When you are in love, there are all sorts of things going on in your brain. Neurotransmitters such as oxytocin, dopamine, serotonin and norepinephrine are surging through your brain, giving you feelings of ecstasy, comfort and closeness. Unfortunately, your brain responds to those neurotransmitters like a drug. Your brain becomes used to them, even depends on them, and when your brain fails to get them, it FREAKS out! It will make you think that all sorts of stupid things are in fact good ideas. Just like a drug addict, you come up with the most ridiculous rationalizations, and excuses to try to get that feeling back. Your rational brain has taken the back seat, and your emotional brain is driving… like a maniac! You disregard the advice of your friends, saying “they don’t really know what it’s like.” Or, “I appreciate their concern, but I am okay, and I am gonna do what I want.”

Unfortunately, it takes an enormous amount of self awareness and self control to weather the storm, and let your brain return to its original state, in which it wasn’t hooked on relationship chemicals. How to go about that will be the topic of another blog, and for now, I want to try and explain the necessity of experiencing the heartbreak.

When you get your heart broken, or just get broken up with for that matter, you feel like crap. Your self esteem goes out the window, since you feel like you aren’t wanted. You become paranoid, and create (often crazy) theories about why your BF/GF broke up with you. “Maybe they met someone else?” If you are a girl, you might think, “Does he not find me attractive anymore?” If you are a guy, you might think “Maybe she found someone more charming?” The feeling that no one wants you, or that no one is attracted to you is not a fun feeling, and people will often resort to foolishness in order to try to regain that feeling. Your brain goes over every relevant, recent conversation, trying to find holes in their argument, almost as if you could argue the person out of their decision. It’s just a mess.

However, like with my own heartbreaks, if you weather the storm, you often come out a better person. However, this is not easy, and there are often what seem to be shortcuts, which look attractive, but just making things harder in the future. Ultimately, I think girls are more at a risk for this than guys. Let me explain.

When it comes to what the different sexes place the most emphasis on (in terms of what they find attractive), men place an enormous amount of importance on physical looks, whereas girls place an enormous amount of importance on confidence and humor. When a couple breaks up, both parties often go away feeling down, insecure and lacking confidence. The guy, lacking confidence, will probably not be able to meet anyone until he gets over his heartbreak. The reason being, girls just don’t want some mopey guy—they want a guy who is funny and confident. Basically, they want someone that is the exact opposite of what the heartbroken guy is feeling.

The girl, on the other hand, is still cute. Heartbroken or not, she still looks the same. So guys are still going to be attracted to her, and she won't have any trouble meeting someone new. However, while this might seem like a good thing—meeting someone new right away—it isn’t. When this happens, it allows you to push all those hurt feelings away, and focusing on this new, interesting person. However, those hurt feelings don’t go away, they sit there, waiting to boil up in the future. Like with any injury, unless you take the time to heal, you won’t ever be back to normal, and may end up weaker overall. Of course, this isn’t unique to girls, as guys do the same thing as well.

Unfortunately, the girl can then get caught in a vicious cycle, where she relies on the attention of guys in order to feel that she has self worth, is attractive, etc. If she isn’t involved with a guy, she feels like no one wants her, she has no confidence, etc. We all know girls like this, who go from boyfriend to boyfriend, and have since middle school. I am not judging, cause I can’t say I wouldn’t do the same thing if in that position. If I was heartbroken, and girls were constantly trying to get with me, I am pretty sure I would have gone with it. Sure, it’s not the attention of the girl I want… but at least it’s something!

So, how does one get around this? Unfortunately, it takes a fair amount of self control and understanding of why it is important to let yourself fully heal. Specifically, you have to make a contract with yourself that you won’t be involved with someone else for x amount of time. It also means recognizing that you will have to deal with a lot of pain in the meantime. It means you will have to deal with sadness, loneliness, anger, confusion, etc. It means you have to recognize that no matter how much it hurts now, the pain will go away, and there will be a day when it doesn’t hurt anymore—and you will be a much better person for it. It means you will be more emotionally stable, wiser about what you want in relationships and how to deal with them. Unfortunately, this is very hard to do in the moment, and I don’t blame people who can’t do it. A guy might do it, but only out of necessity. Unfortunately, I feel that for girls, it would be much harder, and take much more self-control.

In the end, if you are a serial dater, or are the type that ALWAYS has a boyfriend/girlfriend, ask yourself: "do I need the attention of the opposite sex to be happy? Do I get new bf/gfs quickly because I don’t want to deal with the pain of being alone?" If so, maybe it’s time to take a break, work on yourself; get to the point where you don't need the attention of others to make you happy. Being heartbroken sucks, believe me, I know. And while it will be hard at first, I promise the payoff will be well worth it.

Sleep

It's strange that I enjoy sleep so much. The reason I find this odd is because for the majority of it, I am completely unconscious. If I am unconscious, I am not having any experience of what I am doing, and therefore, can't be enjoying it.* So what gives?

My first guess was that it's not sleep per say that I enjoy, but the process of falling asleep. It's nice to lay in a warm, comfy bed, completely relaxed. However, it’s only enjoyable for so long. If I lay there long enough, I get either bored or annoyed that I am still awake. So it doesn’t seem to be the laying down I enjoy.

My second guess was that what I am looking forward to is actually losing consciousness. This sounds better, though, it seems like one could argue, "well, it's not so much that you want to go to sleep (lose consciousness), but the knowledge that if you DON'T go to sleep, you are going to suffer for it in the morning." I imagine that that could be part of what is going on. But even more importantly, I think that as I lay there, tired, I know that the uncomfortable feeling of tiredness I am experiencing will no longer be upon me. I will be unconscious, and not experiencing it anymore. It’s sort of like if I was in extreme pain, I would want to be knocked out, so I wouldn't have to be experiencing the pain anymore. And at least with sleep, when I wake up, I won’t (hopefully) feel so tired. This would also explain why little kids don't like naps. To adults though, naps are a treat! They are a treat, because we know that sleeping is the best way to rid ourselves of a certain discomfort, and will help us feel better. But kids haven't made that association yet, so to them, it just means they have to stop playing.

In conclusion, it's not that I look forward to sleep (and therefore unconsciousness), it's that I am trying to avoid the discomfort of being tired, and the only way to do that is to go to sleep. Sleep eliminates the discomfort of being tired, and allows me to wake up once the discomfort has passed (hopefully). Therefore, it's inaccurate to say I love sleep. Instead, I should say that I don't like being tired, and if I can opt out of experiencing tiredness, I will.


*There are a few philosophers of religion who, contrary to what cognitive scientists and philosophers of mind have to say, think that the mind exists independent of the brain, and consciousness continues to exist once the brain is destroyed. If they are right, and our consciousness isn’t tied to our brains, it seems rather peculiar that our consciousness completely goes away during sleep. If they were correct, I am not sure how this could even be possible. Any ideas?

My Favorite Movie Trailers

I am a huge fan of movie trailers. It blows my mind how good some of them are, and how powerful of an experience you can create from just a short compilation of movie clips with some cool music. I have always had a number of trailers that stood out in my mind, and within the last year or so, several excellent trailers have been released. I decided to try and compile a list of the trailers that were my favorite, and that had some effect on me. With all of these, I must have watched them each at least a dozen times within the first week of seeing them.

The list is in no particular order. I don’t know if I would be able to rate an absolute favorite, since many trailers do different for me. Some, like the James Bond trailers, just pump me up. Others make me think “wow, that looks really amazing!” (True Grit). Others just hit some emotional chord for some reason (Social Network, 127 Hours). With that said, here is the list.

GoldenEye

This was the first trailer that I ever really, really liked. The music alone is amazing, but the trailer itself is such an awesome way to reintroduce James Bond after a six year hiatus. I am such a nerd, that in high school, I used to watch this trailer before going to school, cause it pumped me up.

Casino Royale

I am including the teaser and trailer here. Both are just so awesome, and like with GoldenEye, they totally pump me up! Before I saw the teaser, I was a little skeptical of Daniel Craig playing James Bond. But after the teaser, I was totally convinced that he would be great.

Terminator Salvation

I was never a huge fan of the Terminator movies, but this trailer really caught my attention. It made me go and rewatch all the older Terminators, and I was really excited for this one. Unfortunately, the movie was nowhere as cool as the trailer.

District 9

When I first saw this trailer, I thought it was a documentary about some race issue in South Africa. I almost turned it off, cause it wasn’t something that interested me. Then they showed the space ship. Interest peaked!

The Social Network

I don’t know what it is, but something with way the music compliments the images really strikes me as amazing. I also like how dark and serious a story about Facebook can look. It gives me shivers.

The Matrix

This trailer just makes you say “What the F is this? It looks awesome!” As a 17 year old, it blew my mind.

Matrix Reloaded

While the movie wasn’t that amazing, the cinematography, and unique images and what seemed to be some incredible action scenes, really caught my attention. This trailer made me REALLY look forward to the movie.

Star Trek

I was never a Star Trek fan, but when I saw this trailer, I just thought “WOW! That looks freaking awesome!!” And indeed, it was.

Spider-Man 2

Basically a normal action movie trailer, but it highlights so many interesting aspects of the story that it made me really excited to see it.

Unbreakable

A great movie that is totally underrated. The trailer is so creepy, and so intriguing!

Inception

Like with the Matrix trailer, this just blew my mind. The uniqueness of the images and story, as well as knowing that it was from the mind of Christopher Nolan really made me excited for this movie. You can’t watch the trailer and not think “this looks awesome… and seems really interesting!”

True Grit

I never even heard of this movie until it came out. When I heard of it, I thought it was going to be some stupid action movie. But upon seeing the trailer, I was blown away, and couldn’t wait to see the movie. The trailer is simply bad ass. It captures all the aspects of the movie so well, that it blows me away. The last 20 seconds gives me shivers!

127 Hours

Like with True Grit, I had never even heard of this movie until it was already released. Though, like with True Grit, it captures the essence of the movie so well that it is incredible. As usual, the combination of a great song, some powerful images, and good editing gives me shivers.

The Truth About Organic Food

Every day, organic food is becoming more and more popular. Most people, understandably, claim that they want to eat healthy food, and that organic is a good way to go about it. People also tend to claim it tastes better than regular food. But is this all true? Is it really healthier? Does it really taste better? Is it worth all that extra money? In this blog post, I am going to present what the scientific evidence says.

First, what is organic food? Essentially, it is just food that is grown without genetic modification and which contains no artificial additives or synthetic pesticides.

Lets talk about pesticides. Organic or not, all food has some sort of pesticides used on it. The benefit of synthetic pesticides is that they have been extensively tested, and found to have no effect on people. Does this mean that organic pesticides will make you sick? No. While high amounts of organic pesticides are toxic to fish, cause Parkinson’s disease in rats, and have found to be toxic to other mammals, the levels that humans are exposed to in food are harmless. Just like with synthetic pesticides. Studies have also been done on levels of biotoxins between organic and conventional foods, and no difference has been found.

Measuring toxins and pesticide levels is all well and good, but is organic healthier? Well, as it turns out, a five year study done by Quality Low Input Food (QLIF) found that indeed, organic food had higher levels of good things, and lower levels of bad things. Great! However, no question in science is answered by just one study. There needs to be multiple studies before you can start to reach a conclusion. The QLIF realized this, and concluded that “further and more detailed studies are required to provide proof for positive health impacts of organic diets on human and animal health.”

In contrast, the Food Standards Agency (FSA), in the UK, issued a statement regarding organic food, saying “Consumers may choose to buy organic fruit, vegetables and meat because they believe them to be more nutritious than other food. However, the balance of current scientific evidence does not support this view.” That is, despite the study by the QLIF, basically all the other studies point in the other direction.

For example, a the FSA spent twelve months reviewing all of the literature on organic food, and found that "there is no good evidence that the consumption of organic food is beneficial to health in relation to nutrient content." Other studies have concluded the same thing.

So what about taste? Every organic food fan I have known uses this as the trump card. However, I have always been skeptical of such a claim, since you can trick yourself into believing just about anything when it comes to taste. Your subjective opinion of something is just not a reliable way to answer a question when you are heavily biased from the get go. Conveniently, studies have been done on this too, and as it turns out, one study found that people preferred organic apples to conventional ones. They described the apples as sweeter and firmer.

However, a number of other studies have found just the opposite. In those studies, people were unable to distinguish any difference in taste between organic and conventional foods.

But the most troubling aspect of all this comes from a very recent study which found that influential organic food organizations were guilty of promoting false information. The study stated that these organization's claims were “unreliable” and “harm the consumer.” This really comes as no surprise. When people invest themselves in a certain position, and evidence starts to pile against them, many choose to turn a blind eye, or flat out lie, rather than admit error. They simply have too much invested in their position to give it up. Not good, since that is the territory of science deniers-- the home of creationists, anti-vaxers and others.

In conclusion, it seems that while there are a few studies showing benefits of organic food, the overwhelming majority of studies have shown that the only difference is about a 10-40% increase in price. Ultimately, I would suggest visiting organic food stores, but only to check out the babes in their yoga pants. Buy your food somewhere else.

Farewell, Vermont

At the end of April 2008, I pulled into the parking lot of Landmark College. As I moved into my new apartment, I was excited for what lay ahead. Though, I was somewhat nervous, as I didn’t know anyone, but was sure I would make friends quickly, as I never had a problem with it anywhere else (like when I went to Film School). Unfortunately, the flaw in my thinking was that I never had a problem making friends as a student. And now, I was no longer the student. This flaw had quite profound effects.

While some aspects of my job really annoyed me, I enjoyed other parts. I met a lot of great students, and had some great coworkers/bosses. Though, I didn’t really feel like I had any friends. I absolutely dreaded weekends, where I would have absolutely nothing to do. Or, if I did have something to do, it was almost always alone. Going to a movie by myself. Going to dinner by myself. I wasn’t allowed to hang out with residents that I was friendly with, and my coworkers all had their own lives, so I was very lonely. I was used to having lots of friends, and not having any was really hard. Often, by Sunday nights, I seriously thought I might be suffering from depression. I couldn’t wait for Monday morning meetings, where I would actually have social interaction with my coworkers.

Towards Christmas, I decided that I wanted to go into speech pathology. I then had to decide if I would stay in Vermont, or go back to Washington. Seeing that I was already in Vermont, and could do a Masters program quicker here, I opted to stay. So that summer, I moved to Burlington. It was instantly a relief. While I didn’t have any friends, I had roommates who were all cool. Just being able to watch a movie with someone was a huge improvement. I was also in a very happening town. Unlike Putney, there were tons of things going on, and tons of people around my age.

As school started, I took a cognitive neuroscience class and started to feel happy again. I made a really good friend, and she and I could just talk and talk and talk. I also became friends with my professor, which was awesome! It was so fun to just go chat with her and pick her brain about neurology and other related topics I found interesting.

In speech pathology, the field is dominated by girls. In the higher level classes, there was only one other guy besides me. That was great and all, and while I did have a couple of friends, I started to miss my guy friends even more. I would often come home, and one of my roommates would have all of his buddies over. They would be hanging out, having a BBQ, etc. It made me really miss Washington.

When I got my video production job, I was a little concerned that that might keep me here in Vermont longer than I wanted. I had a job I loved, and knew it was just a matter of time before I met a girl. I could feel myself starting to get comfortable. I liked where I lived, I liked my roommates, I liked my stuff, I liked the few friends I had, and as I mentioned, I loved my job. So perhaps it was a blessing that I was let go when I was. I wasn’t able to get too comfortable, or too settled in. While losing my job really caught me off guard, I almost immediately saw the silver lining to it: I had no reason not to go back home. The previous day, my friend had texted me, saying something to the extent of “come home!” It felt good to be able to say “I am.” Rather than “someday…”

So as my final days in Vermont are upon me, I have to admit that while I will miss certain aspects of it, especially the few friends I have… I can’t wait to get back to Washington! I’m sorry I was gone so long.

Peace, VT. I’m outta here!

Guys & Girs: Room Differences

When I was a freshmen in college, my roommate and I had an awesome room! We put a lot of work into it, and because of its awesomeness, it was often used as the “example room” when campus tours would come through the dorms. If you were to come in to see our room, you would have noticed a few things. First, the room was quite large for a dorm room. Part of this was because it was on the third floor, and had vaulted ceilings (making it feel larger). Second, we had a LOT of stuff in that room, including a small foam couch. Third, the walls were absolutely covered with posters, specifically, posters of scantily clad women and cool cars. The posters were not only on the walls, but the vaulted ceiling as well.

As basically anyone can probably tell you, this is not unique at all. Most college guy’s bed/dorm room walls are covered with posters and pictures of bikini babes and sleek cars. However, the typical guy’s room stands in stark contrast when compared to a typical college girl’s dorm/bed room. Girls tended to have pictures of their friends, families, post cards, and other sentimental things.

I am curious why this happens. My first reaction was that it seems girls were surrounding themselves with things they have and have experienced, while guys were surrounding themselves with mostly fantasy. Girls have pics of their pets and vacations with friends, while guys have pics of girls they will never sleep with, and cars they will probably never drive.

Though, it seems vastly unfair to claim that girls live in reality, while guys live in a fantasy land. And I can’t think of any other evidence that would suggest such a thing. So I am going to guess that that is not what is going on here. What’s more likely is a difference between what the different sexes find stimulating. Guys are more visually stimulated, so they surround themselves with things they like to look at. Girls are more emotion based, so they surround themselves with things that elicit positive emotional responses.

I could be wrong, but that’s all I got.

Too Hot To Handle

A couple years ago, I was working on a video project for a college, and one scene was about respecting your room mate. The scene consisted of a student trying to study, while his roommate had a dance party, right there in the room. At one point, there was a shot of an extremely attractive girl, dancing on a table. She wasn’t dancing provocatively or anything, and she was just wearing a tshirt and jeans. There were also tons of other people dancing in the room, and on tables. However, because she was so attractive, I was told that I would need to take the shot of her out, because it was not appropriate. What was inappropriate about it? She wasn’t doing anything scandalous or different from anyone else in the video. All that she was doing wrong was looking how she naturally looked: super hot.

This made me start thinking, and I realized that extremely attractive women will ALWAYS be considered to be scandalous or inappropriate, no matter what they are doing. If a girl has a fantastic body, and is dressed professionally, she will still be considered to be inappropriate, simply because she will make whatever she is wearing look fantastic. If you have a great body, whatever you wear will show it off. A great body will still look great, and a gorgeous face will still be gorgeous, no matter what sort of clothes you wear.

On a number of occasions, I have been in the presence of a professional woman who was wearing professional clothes, and all I could think was “god damn she is hot.” It’s terrible, I know. These women weren’t doing anything different than other women, they were dressing exactly the same as everyone else, they just had better bodies.

There are several examples of this in other capacities as well. For example, recently, a curvaceous, brunette bombshell (pictured above) was fired from her 70k job, simply because she looked too good in business clothing. She didn’t do anything different or dress differently than the women around her, but nevertheless, was told that she dressed inappropriately (inappropriate clothing consisted of turtlenecks, pencil skirts, high heels and fitted suits. All of which are standard business attire for women), and would have to be let go. Her employer, Citibank, told her that "as a result of the shape of her figure, such clothes were purportedly 'too distracting' for her male colleagues and supervisors to bear."

Another example comes from the mormon university, BYU. A few years ago, ad was placed in the school paper, advertising a funny shirt stating, "I can't... I'm mormon." The model wearing the long sleeved shirt was extremely attractive. However, besides BYU having issues with what the shirt implied, officials also stated that "the woman modeling the T-shirt in the ad was posed in an overly provocative manner." As you can see, nothing about how she is posing is overly provocative or sexual. The only provocative thing about it is that the girl is super hot.

So I think these examples completely vindicate my hypothesis. Gorgeous women get a lot of perks, but if you are a super hottie with a killer body, no matter what you wear, no matter what you do, you will still be looked upon as being inappropriate, provocative, etc.