Wednesday, October 5, 2011

How To Ask A Girl On A Date

Both guys and girls complain about the opposite sex. If you are a girl, guys are dumb jerks. If you are a guy, girls are heartless and confusing. Both sides have valid reasons for thinking such things, and I am sure we have all done something that the opposite sex considered mean, etc.

These problems, I believe, stem from both a lack of communication, as well as a lack of understanding about how the opposite sex thinks. I have touched on this before, and I think it is a result of what I call the Different Minds Fallacy and Motivation Attribution Bias. These fallacies pop up even from the very beginning, when a guy asks a girl on a date. And that is what I want to discuss: what both sexes are going through and thinking when asking/getting asked out on a date.

Here is the classic problem: A guy meets a cute girl, asks her out, the girl says that sounds great, they go out and then the girl doesn’t seem interested at all. The guy is very confused, and the girl feels a little mislead. Why?

Here is why. Guys are often sissies. It is scary to ask a girl out on a date. So, in order to make it not as scary, the guy won’t ask the girl on a date. Instead he asks her if she wants to “hang out” sometime. This is a less scary thing to ask, since it doesn’t imply romance. The girl, however, hears just what the guy says. “Sure” she says, “I would love to hang out.” And she would--she would love to HANG out.

The guy then says he will pick her up and they can go get dinner. “Great” says the girl. So the guy picks her up, and things then seem odd. He opens the car door, he pays for dinner, etc. Meanwhile, the girl is thinking “WTF? Is this a date!?” At the end of the night, when the guy is hoping to kiss her, she just says thanks and hops out of the car. The guy is confused. “We had such a nice time. Why would she agree to go out with me if she wasn’t interested?” The girl is also confused, “Why did he try to make this into a date when he just wanted to hang out?”

It is ironic that girls are so often accused of reading into things, and making guys interpret what they say. Yet, when it comes to dates, guys will expect girls to know that “hang out” actually means “go on a date.”

This comes back to the motivation attribution bias. Guys generally can’t imagine hanging out with a girl just as friends. If there is any hanging out, it will be with a romantic undertone. Girls, on the other hand, don’t think like that. But guys don’t realize that girls don’t think like that, so there is this miscommunication. To guys, “hanging out” with a girl means something like a date, but to a girl, hanging out means exactly that.

Amid all this confusion, what can we do to help people out? Well, first of all, guys need to grow a pair, resist the urge to ask girls to “hang out” and ask them on a proper date. I know, it’s scary, but it is way better to have a girl say “no thanks” to going out on an actual date, than to have her say yes to what you think is a date, and then get disappointed.

Likewise, girls need to realize something. GUYS DO NOT WANT TO BE YOUR FRIEND!! I cannot emphasize this enough. If a guy wants to hang out with you in any capacity, it is because he is interested in you! ZERO EXCEPTIONS!! A guy who asks you to hang out does not want to just hang out and be buddies. He is just too nervous to ask you on a date. I cannot tell you how many times I have heard “there is this guy that always wants to hang out… do you think he likes me?” The answer is, and always is YES. It has NEVER been the case that the guy just wanted to be friends. Never.

If you are a girl and find yourself in this position (a guy asks you to hang out), you have two options. You can essentially say yes or no. If you say yes, he thinks it’s a date, so you better act appropriately. If you think the guy is nice, but you aren’t interested in going on a date with him, you have the option of saying no. Of course, girls often feel like this is mean and don’t like doing it. I will cover more on that in a minute, but in the meantime, here is some advice to help you out. This works well if the guy asks you to hang out, or even if he actually asks you out on a date. When a guy asks you to do something… all you have to say is “Sure! I love friend dates.” Done. It’s over. This guy doesn’t want a friend date. He wants a date date. He will probably feign his excitement at this point, saying he will get in contact with you later to set up said friend-date, but he won’t. You are now safe, and have avoided having to shoot him down (which many girls are too nice to do. Bless your hearts, but it ends up being mean and hurting the guy more, since he gets his hopes up).

So this is what I propose: Guys, if you are interested in a girl, you ASK HER ON A DATE! You say “I would like to take you out to dinner” or something along those lines. None of this “wanna hang out sometime?” nonsense. It really isn’t that scary, and think about how much easier it will be if you both realize it is a date?

As for you girls, if guys are going to be brave and ask you on a date, you have to also be brave! If you don’t want to go on a date, DO NOT SAY OK! Don’t think you are sparing his feelings by saying ok and giving him your number when you have zero intentions of actually going out with him. Just pull the friends date line, or even better, say no thanks. I know it seems mean, but I promise you, it is much better that way. Girls are such sissies about this that it blows my mind. Why should guys be brave if you won’t be?

In conclusion, both guys and girls are sissies and need to get over it. Guys need to actually ask girls on dates, and girls need to actually say no if they aren’t interested. If everyone did this, there would be a lot less confusion and annoyance towards the opposite sex. Of course, you won’t do this, because you are a sissy.

Prove me wrong.


  1. If I may, I would like to recommend a book to you; How to Talk to Girls by Alec Greven. This book has everything. Plus, the content has very sound advice. Now that I have just given my Reading Rainbow statement, go and read it. I believe the authors was only 8 years old when he wrote it.

  2. Ah, yes! I have heard of that book! From what I have heard, it is like "comb your hair" and stuff like that haha. Good stuff, indeed.

  3. This is hilarious because that opening scene happened to me first block last year and I was like OH NO WHAT HAVE I GOTTEN MYSELF INTO?! But Zak, what if you just want to be friends with the guy?? I have met tons of awesome guys here that I love spending time with in a friendly way and am not interested in if they ask to hang out, I want to say yes, but just to be friends. If I say yes they think I'm going on a date, but if I say no, I don't get to be friends with them?? Also, yes I have been reading your blog for the past 3 hours. sorry not sorry.