Dealing With A Heartbreak?

Originally written July 2008

One of the biggest Catch 22's in life revolves around love. For some sick reason, it turns out that someone who has the ability to make you feel the best, also has the ability to make you feel the absolute worst.

When you have your heart broken, the pain seems almost unbearable. The only escape from the pain is to go to sleep. But then when you wake up, you have to re-remember everything, and the pain seems to hurt even more than before.

Unfortunately, there isn't any quick fix to a broken heart. But there are things you can do, and keep in mind, that will help you deal with the pain.

REALITY CHECK

First, remember that even though you feel hopeless, alone and crushed, you WILL get over it. This is a fact. Even if you can't imagine not feeling how you do, remember that almost everyone has gone through what you are going through, and they all turn out ok.

I was once told that for every hardship we go through, we come out stronger, and know more about ourselves. I first scoffed at this idea, thinking it was just after-the-fact rationalizations. But from my experience, it is very much true. It might not seem like it at first. You probably will feel lonely, vulnerable and scared. But that will pass as well, and in the end, you will know more about yourself as a person.

Try to self reflect as time goes on, and realize that you are in fact getting better. After two weeks have gone by, remember how much more it hurt before. Pay attention to the fact that you are feeling better over time.

LET THE FEELINGS OUT

Don't try and hide how you feel. If you need to cry, cry. If you have things you want to say, write a letter—you don't have to mail it. Whatever you do, do not hold your feelings in. This will just make things harder down the road.

Listening to sad songs is a good idea, but only to an extent. But when listening to sad songs that seem to have been written for you, realize that the reason that they seem to have been written for you is because what you are feeling is a common human experience. Someone else felt exactly as you did, if not worse, and they overcame it. However, don't listen to sad songs forever.

REALIZE THAT THEY AREN'T THAT PERFECT

When you really like someone, or are in love with someone, it's easy to get ahead of yourself, and imagine how things could be 2, 5 or even 20 years down the road. It's easy to imagine perfect settings, where you are with the person you care for, and are perfectly happy.

When you care deeply for someone, it's easy to only see the positive qualities of them. Sure, this person might seems different than everyone else, but part of this is because you have put them somewhat on a pedestal, and made them out to be better than they are. When you first meet someone, you don't know that much about them. But as you get to know them, and start to have feelings for them, people will focus on the positive aspects, while overlooking the not so great aspects. This is not a bad thing, it's normal. But just try to remember this, and think HARD about the aspects of the person that weren't that great. Write these bad qualities down if you have to. Just don't forget them, because you need to remember that this person isn't perfect.

SPEND TIME WITH FRIENDS

You have been there for your friends in hard times, and they will be there for you now. Chances are they know how you are feeling. So talk to them. But besides just talking with friends, try and accompany them to dinner, or a movie, etc. Get outside and go for a walk to the store with them. Go for a jog. Do anything besides sit around, where your mind will wonder back to the person who you care about. If you are around your friends, you will feel better.

When you sit in your room, and are feeling awful, and your friends invite you to do something, it's easy to say no. You just want to curl up and die. But you have to force through these feelings, and go participate in actives. I guarantee that this will make you feel better, and you will be glad you did it.

It's quite obvious that when you are alone, and with nothing to do, your mind will wonder back to the person you care for, and you will just get overwhelmed by the pain. This is why it's so easy to cry in the shower: you have nothing else to think about. The wall isn't that interesting!

DISTRACT YOURSELF AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE

And besides just doing things with your friends, try and keep yourself busy in general. Do things you enjoy. Go to a movie, ride a bike, read a book, go for a walk, focus on work, etc. Try and do things that make you happy. The key word here is Distraction. Distract yourself as much as possible.

As tempting as it is to just wallow in the pain, try putting on some of your favorite, happy songs, and dance around. Get your blood pumping, and have fun!

However, do not attempt to distract yourself by finding a rebound person. This may seem like a good idea at the time, but in the history of heart breaks, it has never worked. In fact, as everyone knows, it just makes things worse.

WHAT NOT TO DO

With things like myspace and facebook, it's increasingly easy to see what the person who hurt you is up to. Try and not do this, it only makes things harder. If you have to, write yourself a note and put it on your computer, just as a reminder that it's a bad idea to go snoop around on their profile. It's easy to see their picture, with them smiling and happy, and feel that that's how they actually are feeling right this moment. And how unfair is it that they are so happy, when you are so misearble!?

Also, try to resist the urge to overanalyze things. You will want to try and find someway to want to blame yourself. Cause if you can take responsibility, then maybe you can fix the problem, and convince the person to get back with you. And don't spin wild scnearios in your head about what the person you care for may be doing. This will just make you more upset.

And don't drink your sorrows away. You have to face the pain at some time, so it's better to do it now and get it over with.

LASTLY

Remember that the person who broke your heart did not do it out of malice or cruelty. The person more than likely cares about you greatly, and would never want to hurt you. Chances are, they feel really bad for hurting you. Unfortunately, not all relationships are meant to be, and sometimes, this is just how things turn out.

Everything will be ok in the end. If it's not ok, it's not the end.